Missing That Which I Have Lost

Today I find myself having a rough day. It started out fine...getting stuff for my new desk at work and a few things for a craft project I am doing. As I am working on this, I find myself thinking very strongly about my Nana and my Grandmother who both passed early on this year. I never thought I would lose them both so quickly. I wasn't fully prepared even though I was at peace.

You never can truly prepare yourself for such a thing. Although I knew they were going to a happier place and would see friends and family that they too had lost, I still find it so difficult to cope with. Knowing they will never be around again for me to get advice from, or just a card even. Knowing that I will never see their smiles when everyone is gathered together for the Holidays.

I can't help but sit here, sobbing like there is no tomorrow. Sometimes I feel there isn't. How can there be when they are no longer here? How do you go on? I just want them back...I want to hug them, and kiss them, and tell them that I love them. I stare at their pictures and remember every single happy moment with them and every talk we ever had. I know I wouldn't change a second of any moment that I ever shared with them.

I strive to be a better person, someone they would want me to be and can be proud of. Its extremely hard though, knowing I can't pick up the phone whenever I want to just hear their voice one last time. To hear them say they love me again.

So, today is a tough day for me...

I just can't help but miss them with every single inch of my heart.

To live in hearts we leave behind
Is not to die.
~Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

Another Amazing Woman Gone

So recently I wrote a blog about my amazing Nana's passing. It's been a little over 3 months. Well, early Thursday morning we lost another amzing persn in our lives.

My Grandmother. Wanda Jean Fietz.

She left us at about 5 AM that morning. This was so sudden for us. She had been taken to the hospitalbfor nausea and weakness and turns out she had had a heart attack. No one knew. She had had no pain at all. But this just shows you how strong of a woman she was. She even knew that she woukd be leaving us and going to join the Lord. She had a Guardian Angel she had told us about on many occassions. I believe she had told her she would be leaving us and making sure she got to see as much of her family as she could and saying goodbye to her friend.

She was amazing in that aspect. I always loved her stories of incidences of her Angel or other stories of her life. Even though I'd heard them many times, I nevermind hearing them. My favorite was of when she was younger, she hadbeen in downtown OKC to do some kind of testing for the IRS and hr and a frind had gone to eat in an undergroun mall there when apipe had bursted. They had to run to escae the flooding water, when the escelators flattened out for emergency reasons ti avoid shock from the water. She told me of a man that helped to lift her and her friend up iut of the area. I loved that story, even though I'd heard it many times. I still have not visited this underground mall. We always talked of going together. I still plan to find it and witness the setting of one oof my favorite stories.

One of the greatest women in my life

About three months ago, I lost yet another wonderful person in my life. But this time, it was the closest person I have ever lost in my life.

My Nana.

LaVonne Lake

She was an amazing person. She was strong and independent and everything I strive to be. She raised 4 children almost alone while my Papa was in the Army. They moved to Lawton, OK finally from Rockford, IL.

We were so close since she used to babysit my brother and I all the time when we were younger and lived closer. She wasn't that typical grandmother, that I didn't really know and just shied away from. Although, she lived 4 hours away from me pretty much all my life, I was extremely close to her. I could talk to her about anything. She always made an attempt to come see my dance recitals when she could, which meant the world to me since dance was a huge part of my life growing up. She was always sure to send me cards for every occasion, newspaper clippings of articles she thought I'd like, recipes, religious books, health tips she'd cut out from magazines and much much more. Even though I'd only see her a few times each year, its like we'd never skipped a beat.

A Smile That Will Be Missed

Monday we lost a very special person in this world. A person that we can't necessarily understand why he would be taken from us. A person who didn't care if he knew you well, he made you feel like you were best friends for years. A person who would never pass you by without saying Hello with the biggest smile you'd even seen on a person. his smile was truly infectious. If you don't know, just go on his facebook and read the many stories everyone is posting and see all the pictures of that infamous smile.

I know that I will never forget that smile. I will never forget what an amazing friend to my brother and all his other friends you were. Your family is truly blessed to have had a son that touched so many people in only his 24 years of life. We all wish to be so lucky to know such a person and we were all truly blessed to have had him in our lives. I can only hope that if my time came, I would see that I was able to touch at least half the people that this amazing man did.

I know that it is hard for us to understand why he has left us. I can only believe that his job God put him here was done and was needed more in Heaven. He is now there to watch over each an every person that he has touched. So don't think that he is gone because he's not. Every time the wind blows through the leaves, he'll be there. Every time your heart is aching, he'll be there. And everytime you laugh and you put on the biggest smile that you can, he'll be there.

Missing Loved Ones

I have my days, when I look back and miss those who I have loved and are gone. It is a tough ordeal, losing people who mean so much to you. How does one deal and move on from it? It was a tough thing for me. You understand that God has a better plan for people in his Kingdom, but you still feel a sense of betrayal. How could he take someone who meant so much to so many from their grasps.

Bobbi Denice Garwood.First was a dear friend of mine.  I grew up with her and her older sister (who is my age). We went to elementary school together. I played soccer with Bobbi for several years. She had such a great sense of humor and was such a loving person. She accepted everyone for who they were and never judged a soul. I will never forget the day I received the news, I was in my Freshman studio class and my mom had called me. When I got off the phone, I just sat there. I couldn't believe it. I began to cry, and people began coming up to me asking what was wrong. I asked to just be left alone to sit there. All my memories of her came flooding through my mind. Also, her family, I couldn't imagine what they must be feeling. They are all such amazing people and I knew that Bobbi would be loved even though she was gone. She was such a sweetheart and so young. I always think, who would she be today and what would she be doing? She was only 16 and would be 21 now. Its crazy to think how this world works and I know God needed her more than we but she is deeply missed by us all. I will never forget her and am so blessed to have been in her life and her in mine.